I just got back from dropping the kiddo’s off and getting their day started. Mine started, pretty much standard.. Wake -> coffee -> music. Since I discovered this DJ I am in love with a few weeks ago, maybe like 6 by now, I listen to his sets after I drop the kids off and continue my day. This morning, I was hit super hard while re-listening to a set for the 10th time. Being that it is an amazing piece of art, I feel lucky enough to be able to pick up new stuff with every listen. This particular time was during the 16:00 mark on this set (https://youtu.be/afY3-Yk72oA?t=959). I happened to notice his signing along with the lyrics, and asking for help, like the lyricist before he gives up.
For those who are unaware, I_O was a DJ who created sets that were dark, melodic, progressive, and threw some amazing trance in there. Why the hell is this hitting me so hard? I think I figured out a reason on the car ride this morning. Lets rewind a bit. Back in November, I was perusing reddit as one does, and I read on the r/deadmau5 that a DJ who released a few things on Mau5trap had died. At this point, I had not listened to him or heard any of his tunes. Just that people were sad. Like 2 months ago, I open YouTube to throw on some music and I see his face there as recommended music. I slap on (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs6576Fdixg&list=TLPQMDYwNTIwMjF8_116qiCOZQ&index=2) and IMMEDIATLY lose my shit. Much like when I was 15, I threw on slipknots first album in a Hot Topic before ever hearing them, and I KNEW within the first 10 seconds on track 2 that I was hooked. But with I_O, his music spoke MY language. It still does. I was tearing up in the car when the set came on, and I am tearing up now working through all of this.
Music is something I’ve held close since I was a child, since it seemed like the only thing that wasn’t judging me, and it actually wanted to help me. Techno is no different, that was my first love. not my brothers influence, or my parents or friends. MINE. And I am grateful for it, electronic music. Ok so now we have established I am obsessed with i_o, lets figure out what the hell is bothering me so much about it. He was younger than me, he was 30 when he died. That right there is enough to make my head spin. I feel SO fucking untried when it comes to experience, and establishing myself as a person, I am 36. My depression makes me ask myself, “Why are you still here when people who have accomplished so much more than you, in LESS time than you, are gone.” It makes me think of their parents, friends, family, and anyone this person has affected. I guess that’s what happens when we start getting older though, people around you will start leaving this world. I’ve lost one close friend in my life, why did i_o feel like the second? Its not confirmed, but its a theory that it was suicide that took Garret. It makes me sad as well, knowing that another person had to take their own life. I’m guessing to escape the pain of past/current and future Garret.
Sad is the default emotion here, but another topic for another time.. is it selfish to not want someone to take their life?
I think, at the end of the fucking day, my realization was, I just wish Garret knew how much his music affects me. He will never know. It makes me happy, sad, inspired, confident, hopeful, and even apprehensive at times. Its not like I knew who he was while he was alive and making music, I wasn’t actively pursuing his live sets, or releases. Something I need to work on, is being able to visit these emotions, and pull myself back out of them. I didn’t even know that was an option until my therapist presented it like that. I get consumed by emotion, typically for days -> weeks on end. They dictate much of my life. BUT with the idea that, its OK to visit these dark places and acknowledge they exist, but the real power is being able to pull yourself back out of the darkest parts of your brain. That strategy is for another time. ^_^
This is the start of something new for me, and I really hope I get what I am looking for out of it. So far, so good. Love you all
(infinitely_one)
-SSS